I like my mum

My mum made me eat runner beans. I told her I didn’t like them but she made me eat them anyway. One of the runner beans had a hook on it like when you go fishing and it caught all my other bits of food and yanked them out of my stomach and onto my plate and all over the table and the floor and my mum. I told her I didn’t like runner beans. My mum says I have to eat some liver which has got tubes growing out of it. I’ve had enough of this. My mum must have been taken over by an alien. I pack my suitcase and fill it with a can of strawberries in syrup and a can of condensed milk and my pyjamas. I tell my mum I’m running away and if she wants to contact me I will be at Philip Pink’s house. I open my suitcase and look at my pyjamas and condensed milk and strawberries. I knock on Philip’s door and ask if I can borrow a can opener. When my mum found out I had opened her can of strawberries and condensed milk I was sent to my bedroom for another twenty nine years. I’m not going to bother running away again. I love my sister. I want to marry her. My mum says I can’t marry her and that’s that. I tell my sister we should elope. My sister says what’s elope. I say I don’t know but that’s what we should do. My sister says we should kiss. I tell her Rachael Atkin’s already done that with me and I couldn’t breathe. My sister says we should play doctors and nurses. I get undressed and so does my sister. We look at each other’s willy and then get dressed again. My sisters willy has disappeared, now she’s got a money slot like the pretend boy standing outside the shops. My mum is very upset and I have to stay in the waiting room while the real doctors and nurses try and remove a shilling, a sixpence and three old pennies from my sisters willy. I tell them that I was making sure my sister could walk without metal things on her legs. My mum has to stay with my sister for a long time in hospital and I have to stay with Uncle Peter. Uncle Peter asks me where the gold is buried. I look at Uncle Peter and this time I don’t cry. This time I smile and whisper to him. Uncle Peter lets me go and buries his head back in the racing life. Uncle Peter never traps me again. I love Aunty Sheila. When my mum brings home my sister from hospital we go outside and play on the swing. Greg and Mark are in the orchard at the back of our garden. Mark tells me to set fire to the apple tree and then I might still have a chance of becoming a General. Mrs Evans and my Mum spend the rest of the afternoon running up and down the garden with saucepans full of water. We haven’t got an orchard at the bottom of our garden anymore. After twenty five years I’m let out of prison on good behaviour and allowed to have tea with my sister again on the green rug in front of the telly .Our school’s got a swimming pool and we have to take our trunks and towel to the changing rooms every Wednesday morning. Gavin Savage made a hole with his flick knife and now we can see into the girls changing rooms. Gavin says we have to pay him two alleys, three marbles or one blood marble if we want to have a look. Andrew Monkton gave Gavin his blood and got to see Debbie Schneider’s front and back bottoms. I haven’t got a blood so I challenge Gavin to a winner takes all contest – my entire collection of marbles for his prize blood. Gavin smirks and tells me I’m a mong and to get ready to lose. The whole school comes to watch Gavin and me. Goody Putnam says I’m not only a mong but a spaz and once I lose I will be known forever as the monger spaz boy.