I like my mum

We are going round my Nan’s today. Uncle Peter traps me between his legs and gives me Chinese burns. He asks me to tell him where the gold’s buried. Uncle Peter rubs his stubble against my face and tells me to remember where the gold is buried. I tell him I don’t know where the gold’s buried and Uncle Peter gives me another Chinese burn on my arm. All the other grownups are laughing. I’m laughing too but tears are rolling down my face because I thought my mum would save me. Uncle Peter has another glass of pale ale and lets me go. The other grownups are playing cards and Aunty Sheila sees me hiding under the table. She asks me why I am crying. I tell her that I forgot where the gold is buried. Aunty Sheila whispers to me and my tears dry up. I ask my friends at school if they know where the gold’s buried. They all start to cry. It’s not good to forget where the gold’s buried, but now I know thanks to my aunty Sheila. My mum bought me a pet. It’s not very cuddly though. She says I can paint its name on its back. I paint TOBY in big white letters. Toby walks very slowly and eats lettuce. I don’t think it’s a very good pet to have. I want a goat but my mum says it would eat all the petunias. I don’t know what she’s talking about. The headmaster came round our house for a cup of tea and a fondant fancy. I’ve been sent to my room for twenty nine years. Apparently I must never paint on David Walker’s blazer DAVID in big white letters. At least he won’t get lost, like my pet, TOBY. My friend Timothy Picton burnt his eyebrows off in the oven and his hair went up when he put a knife in an electric socket. Timothy’s dad is a professor who was on Tomorrows world talking about windmills in the middle of the sea. My mum says Timothy’s dad is clever. If he’s that clever he should tell my friend Timothy not to put his head in the oven and stick things in electric sockets. Adrian tied a rock to some string and then wrapped the string round some frog’s legs and hit them with a cricket bat onto the school roof and watched them try and hop off. Adrian doesn’t like frogs. I don’t like spiders. My sister doesn’t like lifts. My cousin Ian has a cardigan with the letter I on it so did Gilbert O’Sullivan, not an I but a G – “Claire, the moment I met you I swear”. I never had a cardigan with the letter W on it but I really wanted one.