I like my mum

I like my mum she lets me watch Dixon of dock green and eat after eight mints. Greg and Mark let me play holey now I’m a captain. I should have been a General by now but I only swung over the bonfire with my pants on and Greg and Mark say to become a General you need to swing over the bonfire with no clothes on. My mum says being captain shows I’ve got dignity. My mum says she never heard of a General without his pants on. I tell Greg and Mark my mum says I’ve got dysentery and they fall about laughing. I like my mum she gives me words to say that make Greg and Mark laugh. I score three holeys and Greg and Mark only score two. They tell me to piss off and take the ball inside. Maybe it’s another test that Captains have to do. I’m left standing on my own in the garden and Mrs Evans comes out and says have I been playing holey. I tell her I got three and Greg and Mark only got two. Mrs Evans pulls me by the ear and knocks on my back door. My mum and Mrs Evans start using long words I don’t understand then Mrs Evans leaves and my mum looks red in the face. I spend the rest of the year in my bedroom. I must never ever play holey again. Mrs Evans doesn’t like footballs being kicked through her outside toilet window when she’s doing big jobs. I’ll ask Mrs Evans if she’s doing number ones next time. My mum says don’t be so facetious and I get to stay in my bedroom for another year. When I return from exile my sister and I turn the staircase into the Matterhorn with all the cushions from the settee diving head first into the abyss. I’m riding round and round the garden on my Raleigh bike my mum picked up from my cousin Ian. My dad says don’t ride round and round because it’s late and there’s dew on the grass. I don’t know what he’s on about so I carry on riding round and round. When I fall off and try to get up and put my bike back in the shed I notice the brake lever has ripped my leg open just by the knee and has made a hole about a hundred feet deep. I can see the bone and the gristle floating about. Some of it has come away and is dangling from the brake lever. It doesn’t bleed but that’s because I’ve been stabbed so hard that it went right through the blood and landed in the land of jelly and macaroni. My dad loves macaroni with a can of Guinness. He’s not so keen on jelly. I’ve got a pile of apples and Greg and Mark say I should throw them into Mrs Atkins garden. They don’t like the Atkins. Maybe I will become a General now. I manage to throw all my apples. Some hit Mr Atkins on the head as he is planting his potatoes and runner beans. Mr and Mrs Atkins came round to see my mum. I spend the afternoon picking up all the apples in Mr and Mrs Atkins garden. When I get to eighty my arms feel as if they are going to fall off. Mr and Mrs Atkins have a daughter called Rachael. She’s a lot older than me and says “come upstairs” I say I can’t because I’ve got to pick up the rest of the orchard that’s landed in the garden. Rachael helps me and we finish in no time at all. “Come upstairs” she says again. So I go upstairs and she says “lie down on my bed” so I lie down on her bed. “Open your mouth” she says. Rachael’s a bit odd. She climbs on top of me and starts to kiss me. Not like my mum does but all slobbery and wet moving her head from side to side. I can’t breathe so I start to make noises through my nose. Rachael just keeps on doing her slobbering. I think I’m going to pass out when Rachael starts to put her tongue in my mouth. This girl's got real problems. After about six hundred hours Rachael climbs off and asks if I liked it. I said I think so but it was a bit wet and there was no need for her to put her tongue in my mouth that’s just disgusting. She says its how all the movie stars in Hollywood do it. She learnt it from watching Bugsy Malone. Rachael says do I want to have a bath with her. I tell her no thank you I had one last Sunday. Rachael says she’s grown titties and I can see them if I get into the bath. I said my mum’s bought some after eight mints and Dixon of dock greens on the telly tonight so I better be off. Rachael pulls up her top and shows me her titties anyway. Rachael says touch them or she won’t let me go home. I prod them with my finger and say can I go now. Rachael says I have to show her my thingy. No wonder Greg and Mark don’t like the Atkins. I search for my thingy and show Rachael. Rachael grabs hold of it and stars pulling it like a yo yo. Mrs Atkins shouts up the stairs and Rachael lets go and opens the door. Rachael says if I tell anyone then she’ll lock me in her bedroom again and show me what else they do in Hollywood. I promise I won’t say a word – EVER.  Greg and Mark say I can’t be a General because Generals never pick up apples after throwing them into the Atkins back garden. Generals don’t get their thingy’s yanked by the Atkins daughter either. I’m going off the idea of being a General.