I like my mum

I like my mum she lets us watch Dixon of dock green and eat after eight mints and angel delight. I love angel delight. We can have all sorts of flavours. My friend Martin Barker who lives on the council has instant whip. I want instant whip but my mum says only the people on the council have that because they can’t afford angel delight. I don’t care what they can afford Martin Barker’s instant whip tastes loads better than my mum’s angel delight. I wished I lived on the council. I tell my mum and she says “any more of your lip and you’ll be on the council”. I don’t know why she’s talking about my lip all of a sudden but it looks like I could be on the council pretty soon sharing Martin Barker’s instant whip. I live at number seventy four Elm Road. The witch who eats children and turns them into play-doh lives at number eighty two. If you forget to run at a thousand miles per hour past the witch’s house then a great big hand with seventy feet fingers and nails as sharp as my dad’s razors grabs you and pulls you inside. Jenny Stovins forgot to run at a thousand miles per hour and we haven’t seen her for two weeks. Mrs Hagarty says Jenny’s on holiday but I know where she really is. It’s Christmas day. I know it is because Santa’s left half a mince pie and an empty can of Pale Ale. Sometimes he leaves a bottle of Guinness. I think he must be very thirsty going down all those people’s chimneys. We haven’t got a chimney. My mum says she left the back door open. I like my mum. Me and My sister wake up and jump on my mum and dad’s bed. They don’t seem as excited as us. Maybe they’ve forgotten its Christmas day. Me and my sister are put back in our beds and told not to get up until its light outside. My dad says Christmas day doesn’t start at three o’clock in the bloody morning and he doesn’t want to hear another word from us until the birds start singing. I don’t know what’s wrong with grownups. When I’m a grownup I’m going to get up whenever I like on Christmas day and bounce about on my bed. Why would anyone want to stay asleep until the birds sing? Even the birds should be up early on Christmas day. I think they get presents too because I saw a Robin with a new coat and some colouring pencils last year. Everyone gets Christmas. I just don’t think my mum and dad remember like me and my sister.