My girlfriends and other animals

Like most long term relationships Le Frog and I had our disagreements, our moments of passion, our in depth political, religious and metaphysical debates. Le Frog and I were an item for a total of forty five minutes. The relationship blossomed when I inadvertently touched her front bottom whilst rummaging around for my metal work overall. Well not her actual front bottom but the vicinity of where her front bottom would have been were she not wearing the protective clothing Mr Lomax demanded in order that the entire class should produce an aluminium dustpan and ashtray set.

 ‘My mum’s at work, let’s go home during lunch and I’ll show you that thing you just touched’

               That thing! I was about to be shown the thing. Gill from accounts, you’re chucked. I was going to see the thing. What did the thing look like? Could you hold it, what colour was it, did it speak?

 ‘I’d very much like to meet your thing. Thank you so much for asking’.

I made the best dustpan and ashtray set ever. Even Mr Lomax who usually referred to me as Spazzer commented on, ‘a job of significant craftsmanship’

Le Frog and I ran all the way to her house. Our Golden ticket, Willy Wonka excitement unable to contain itself as she fumbled for the front door key.

Now the trouble here, having only undressed in front of Mother was that it became almost impossible to hide the fact my whole body had begun to tremble. Tremble, maybe to soft an adjective.  At this point convulsed would be more appropriate.  A bucking bronco would have looked positively geriatric compared to my involuntary spasms of downright bloody fear.

‘Are you cold? Hurry up; we’ve only got twenty minutes before mummy gets back’

‘Before mummy gets back?’

Not only was I wrestling with my brown and beige braided pants, which mother had bought from British Home Stores, but I now had a time trial to contend with and in all likelihood instant castration if Le Frogs’ Mother caught me.

‘That’s better…now, what’s this then?  I think Barry needs someone to talk to…’

‘Barry?’

             I could have understood, monster or weapon or perhaps untamed beast of the Amazon, but ‘Barry’. It was this use of another boy’s name, which incidentally was the name of the local ‘special ‘kid who licked metal railings that slightly unnerved me.  It didn’t look like a Barry, not that I knew which ones did look like Barry.

 ‘Hello Barry – you look like a little lollipop that needs sucking’

This was getting beyond a joke – BIG, HUGE lollipop that needs sucking thank you.

‘There we are all sticky and limp like a shrivelled Satsuma’

‘Right that’s enough.’ I pulled Le Frog away from Barry my small shrivelled citrus fruit.

‘I thought you said I could see the thing?’

‘Well here she is. Veronica’s been waiting for you’

That was it. Referring to my thing as Barry and her thing as Veronica was the final straw.