My girlfriends and other animals

Chapter Two

Le Frog

The rest of the holiday became a blur. Possibly because I spent most of it barricaded in my chalet bedroom twitching to images of Gill’s wondrous hallelujah’s whilst listening to the New Seekers – ‘I want to teach the world to sing’.

‘I just don’t know what’s wrong with him.’  Mother was discussing my Howard Hughes like reluctance to leave our Chalet bedroom with Mrs Musgrave and the rest of the Coffee and Walnut cake brigade. ‘I mean have you ever been before, it’s so much fun, of course you have to maintain standards, but there’s so much to do and it’s all inclusive, as much as you like’

As much as you like. That’s it mother, as much as I like. Returning to the land of beige didn’t seem anywhere near as depressing now I had my new companion. Gill and I would spend all of our free time together hidden away from the rest of my classmates in the child friendly concrete tunnel that had until now only claimed one council kid’s life. Each child psychologist agreed that my ‘imaginary’ friend was just that and I would soon grow out of it. Slade’s ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’, Mud’s ‘Lonely this Christmas’ and Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ afforded me only a modicum of comfort during my years of psychological therapy. It wasn’t until the Christmas of 1976 when Johnny Mathis started singing about Children being born that Mother decided enough was enough. Imaginary or not, psychologically disturbed or not, I needed a pair glasses and a new record collection. Please don’t do it Mother. They said it was because I sat too close to the television. I knew however that Gill and I had spent far too much time together and  my eyes had spun round to the back of my head. Either way I was whisked off to Mothers optometrist for the fitting of two gold top milk bottles that signalled to the rest of the world that I was happy to be publicly ridiculed for the rest of my life. Years of therapy instantly eradicated. I blockaded myself in my bedroom, my space hopper and assorted piles of Shoot magazine my only defence against the inevitable incursion by Mother. Noddy, show me a sign. Les, guide me to the Promised Land. Freddie please tell Mother not to completely and utterly ruin my life. My futile attempts at seeking solace among my Christmas number one’s left me bereft of all hope. Even Mr McCartney and his Wings couldn’t offer me any respite and they’d been at number one forever.

‘Mull of Kintyre’ – Wings – Christmas number one for nine weeks – 1977.