‘Welcome to Barry Island Butlins. You’ll be staying in Beige chalet number twenty nine. Just kidding, there’s no beige here. Red chalet number twenty nine located directly behind the donkey derby obstacle course. If you hurry you might just catch the three legged race for mums who want to have fun. Will you be participating madam?’
‘Drive on Denys’
Mother began to rewind the window as Father gently drove past the inanely grinning lady who oblivious to Mothers disdain continued with her over familiar and animated geniality. A knowing genuflection by Father at this deranged Cheshire cat of a woman alerted her that all was well despite the very real possibility of an horrendous death administered to her courtesy of Mother. Window wound, we were trapped once more inside our volcano of torture. Donkey Derby? What sort of language was this person dressed in red speaking of? Ok, I knew what a donkey was and I had heard of Derby because Brian Clough was their manager but the two together, well it made no sense whatsoever.
Mother ushered Father laden with suitcases of varying shapes and size up the extraordinarily brightly coloured stairs venting her vitriol about the need for standards to be maintained even if he did think he was on holiday. Sister was by now fast asleep, one cheek super glued to the same sucker of human flesh that I had just retrieved my buttocks from and I was allowed to wander aimlessly and unnoticed towards the mysterious and unintelligible ‘Donkey Derby’.
Millions upon millions of people had gathered around a course made up of varying heights and levels of difficulty. The prelude to the main event, not that I knew what the main event was; a three legged race for women of child bearing age and hips. I pushed my way to the front and held on for dear life to a rope repelling the expectant throngs.
Now someone should have warned me there and then that my life was about to change forever, that innocence was about to be sodomised and buggered in equal measures, but my new friend wasn’t going to spoil the surprise by making his entrance too early, no, I would have to wait for that unwelcome pleasure.
Women of all shapes and sizes were shackled together giggling and looking paradoxically self- conscious as they approached the starting line that was to mark the beginning of the end for my innocence and a journey that would see the destruction of so many innocent lives. ‘Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep’ by Middle of the Road segued neatly into the main arena relegating any thought of tying Yellow ribbons round old Oak trees.
‘This is crazy in ‘it?’ giggled Gill from fourth floor accounts.
‘Absolute madness. If they could see me now they simply wouldn’t believe it’ chuckled Catherine from fifth floor photo copying.
‘Well we are on holiday. If we can’t let our hair down now when can we?’
‘You’re so right but I still think it’s just a little nuts – what a hoot’
‘On your Marks, Get Set, GO…’
And they were off, hurtling round the Donkey Derby obstacle course oblivious to the devastation they were about to cause this innocent of innocents. Saturday 14th June 1972 – 2:27pm.
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