Katy McTavish, a slightly rotund third year Special Education student yanked my arm and dragged me to the car park. Ordinarily I would have refused Katy’s advances, but tonight Katy had something that no-one else had. Tonight Katy was the new messiah. Tonight Katy had a room temperature bottle of blue nun.
‘Where are we going’? Not at all interested in the reply as I salivated at the thought of my parched and cracked lips being moistened by Katy's naughty Fraulein.
‘I’m taking you to a quiet little place I know at the edge of the copse’ Whispered Katy in a sort of unnerving Misery Chastain sort of way, still yanking me towards her Datsun Sunny.
'I'm your number one fan'
‘Katy, can you try and stay on the right side of the road? I think the cars coming the other way would sort of appreciate it’
‘Oh, don’t be such a wee girl and open the wine’
‘Katy, for God’s sake get back on this side of the road, you’re going to kill us’
‘O flower of Scotland’
‘Please Katy’
‘When will we see your like again’
‘I’m begging you Katy’
‘That fought and died for your wee bit hill and glen’
‘I dont want to die Katy'
‘And stood against him’
‘Would you like me to touch you’?
‘Proud Edward's army’
‘Would you like to touch me’?
‘And sent him homeward tae think again’ Katy's Private Fraser stare bore into my very soul with her maniacal gaze.
As Katy began laughing uncontrollably my thumb forced the cork deep into the Blue Nun causing an enormous eruption to explode over us both, the sudden shock jolting my head violently against the passenger window.
'Please let me go Katherine'? I was now blubbering like a baby, tears merging with droplets of room temperature Riesling.
We swerved violently as Katy struggled to keep control. Blue lights from the car on what should have been the opposite side of the road to us, but was now the same side of the road as us alerted me to the fact that if death didnt get us first then we were probably in a spot of bother. As we flew past the flashing blue lights Katy waved.
‘For fuck sake Katy what are you doing? You’re pissed out of your head, I’m covered in Blue Nun and you’ve just waved at a police car’
‘Oh you big pansy they’ll never catch us’
‘What’!
As my cheeks began to suck in and out like astronauts approaching G-force, images of my childhood flashed before me; Bouncing on my orange Spacehopper, lazy hot summer days in the paddling pool, egg and cress sandwiches, hula hoops, fizzy Tizer, count Dracula lollies that made your tongue go black, Tucker Jenkins, Valerie Singleton.’
“’Dear Lord, Please forgive me for I knew not what I did’
‘They’ll never find us in here’
As we smashed into the archway that normally led to the car park of the ‘Pissed as a Newt’ public House, Katy’s Datsun estate quickly became Katy’s Datsun Saloon. My legs neatly tucked under my chin. The police car pulled up alongside our now very stationary vehicle, Katy wound down her window.
‘Don’t say a word Katy. Let me do the talking. Just don’t say another word’
‘I’ve had a teeny weenie bit too much to drink officer’
‘Oh fuck it’
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