My girlfriends and other animals

Chapter 5

Love don’t live here in anymore

‘Oh bollocks, shit, piss and tits’

An apt expression of disappointment I thought, having just received my A-Level results.

One ‘E’ in Theatre Studies, an ‘F’ (FAIL) in English Literature and the piece de resistance, a ‘U’ (The examiner couldn’t even be bothered to continue reading such a depressing effort – UNGRADED) in Humanities. Not quite Oxbridge material, in fact not quite anything material.  Mother might want to have a little chat about it sometime.

‘That’s the end of your life then, before it’s even begun. Ruined. No future, no hope, no nothing. Get your coat; you’re coming down the job centre with me’

‘No I’m bloody not’

As Mother pushed open the doors of the job centre, all I could see were hundreds of what appeared to be homeless down and outs.

‘Alright mate, pick up your sleeping bag, and join the other fuck wits who failed their A-Levels’

‘Ticket number 207’

I was shaken from my nightmare by the tannoy calling my number. Every meaningful juncture in my life was filled with bloody tannoys only this time there were no errant breasts or adults dressed in coats of red.

‘My son William has just received less than favourable examination results and would like to sign up with your agency’. Delivered in Mother’s telephone voice, without the aid of a telephone.

‘What can William do?’ replied Jennifer with laconic disinterest that mockingly mirrored my economical and concise Humanities paper.

‘Act!’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Got any acting jobs?  I got an ‘E’ in Theatre Studies’

Mother was surprisingly understanding.

‘I have never been so humiliated in my life.  Act indeed.  As soon as we get back home you’re to telephone Reading Technical College and find out when you can retake your examinations.  There’ll be no gallivanting with your friends, not that you’ll be able to as they will all be off to university’

The next eight months were not looking particularly rosy.

How I got involved with Karen, more commonly known as ‘Chris and Karen’ (joined at the pelvis) I still to this day do not know.  However I must have made her laugh or she really liked boys who could only see out of one eye due to their hair obscuring the vision from the other, either way fate brought us together and I ended up spending the majority of the summer at her parent’s house, revising!