I like my mum

My mum made me eat runner beans. I told her I didn’t like them but she made me eat them anyway. One of the runner beans had a hook on it like when you go fishing and it caught all my other bits of food and yanked them out of my stomach and onto my plate and all over the table and the floor and my mum. I told her I didn’t like runner beans. My mum says I have to eat some liver which has got tubes growing out of it. I’ve had enough of this. My mum must have been taken over by an alien. I pack my suitcase and fill it with a can of strawberries in syrup and a can of condensed milk and my pyjamas. I tell my mum I’m running away and if she wants to contact me I will be at Philip Pink’s house. I open my suitcase and look at my pyjamas and condensed milk and strawberries. I knock on Philip’s door and ask if I can borrow a can opener. When my mum found out I had opened her can of strawberries and condensed milk I was sent to my bedroom for another twenty nine years. I’m not going to bother running away again. I love my sister. I want to marry her. My mum says I can’t marry her and that’s that. I tell my sister we should elope. My sister says what’s elope. I say I don’t know but that’s what we should do. My sister says we should kiss. I tell her Rachael Atkin’s already done that with me and I couldn’t breathe. My sister says we should play doctors and nurses. I get undressed and so does my sister. We look at each other’s willy and then get dressed again. My sisters willy has disappeared, now she’s got a money slot like the pretend boy standing outside the shops. My mum is very upset and I have to stay in the waiting room while the real doctors and nurses try and remove a shilling, a sixpence and three old pennies from my sisters willy. I tell them that I was making sure my sister could walk without metal things on her legs. My mum has to stay with my sister for a long time in hospital and I have to stay with Uncle Peter. Uncle Peter asks me where the gold is buried. I look at Uncle Peter and this time I don’t cry. This time I smile and whisper to him. Uncle Peter lets me go and buries his head back in the racing life. Uncle Peter never traps me again. I love Aunty Sheila. When my mum brings home my sister from hospital we go outside and play on the swing. Greg and Mark are in the orchard at the back of our garden. Mark tells me to set fire to the apple tree and then I might still have a chance of becoming a General. Mrs Evans and my Mum spend the rest of the afternoon running up and down the garden with saucepans full of water. We haven’t got an orchard at the bottom of our garden anymore. After twenty five years I’m let out of prison on good behaviour and allowed to have tea with my sister again on the green rug in front of the telly .Our school’s got a swimming pool and we have to take our trunks and towel to the changing rooms every Wednesday morning. Gavin Savage made a hole with his flick knife and now we can see into the girls changing rooms. Gavin says we have to pay him two alleys, three marbles or one blood marble if we want to have a look. Andrew Monkton gave Gavin his blood and got to see Debbie Schneider’s front and back bottoms. I haven’t got a blood so I challenge Gavin to a winner takes all contest – my entire collection of marbles for his prize blood. Gavin smirks and tells me I’m a mong and to get ready to lose. The whole school comes to watch Gavin and me. Goody Putnam says I’m not only a mong but a spaz and once I lose I will be known forever as the monger spaz boy.

I like my mum

We are going round my Nan’s today. Uncle Peter traps me between his legs and gives me Chinese burns. He asks me to tell him where the gold’s buried. Uncle Peter rubs his stubble against my face and tells me to remember where the gold is buried. I tell him I don’t know where the gold’s buried and Uncle Peter gives me another Chinese burn on my arm. All the other grownups are laughing. I’m laughing too but tears are rolling down my face because I thought my mum would save me. Uncle Peter has another glass of pale ale and lets me go. The other grownups are playing cards and Aunty Sheila sees me hiding under the table. She asks me why I am crying. I tell her that I forgot where the gold is buried. Aunty Sheila whispers to me and my tears dry up. I ask my friends at school if they know where the gold’s buried. They all start to cry. It’s not good to forget where the gold’s buried, but now I know thanks to my aunty Sheila. My mum bought me a pet. It’s not very cuddly though. She says I can paint its name on its back. I paint TOBY in big white letters. Toby walks very slowly and eats lettuce. I don’t think it’s a very good pet to have. I want a goat but my mum says it would eat all the petunias. I don’t know what she’s talking about. The headmaster came round our house for a cup of tea and a fondant fancy. I’ve been sent to my room for twenty nine years. Apparently I must never paint on David Walker’s blazer DAVID in big white letters. At least he won’t get lost, like my pet, TOBY. My friend Timothy Picton burnt his eyebrows off in the oven and his hair went up when he put a knife in an electric socket. Timothy’s dad is a professor who was on Tomorrows world talking about windmills in the middle of the sea. My mum says Timothy’s dad is clever. If he’s that clever he should tell my friend Timothy not to put his head in the oven and stick things in electric sockets. Adrian tied a rock to some string and then wrapped the string round some frog’s legs and hit them with a cricket bat onto the school roof and watched them try and hop off. Adrian doesn’t like frogs. I don’t like spiders. My sister doesn’t like lifts. My cousin Ian has a cardigan with the letter I on it so did Gilbert O’Sullivan, not an I but a G – “Claire, the moment I met you I swear”. I never had a cardigan with the letter W on it but I really wanted one.

I like my mum

I had a nose bleed on our school trip and I saw a ghost with Wayne Cameron. Mr Corbett told us to put our pyjamas on and stand by our beds. We had to go to sleep early because we were messing about. I don’t think seeing a ghost and having a nose bleed is messing about. My sister broke up all the pieces of her dolls house on Christmas day. I cried. It’s not good to break things on Xmas day. It’s not good to break things on any day, unless it’s Goody Putnam. He breaks things all the time. He tried to break me once, until I hit him in the eye. My sister wanted to be a Tom boy, that’s why she broke her dolls house. What’s a Tom boy? My Mum says it’s a girl who likes to do boys things. I put on my sisters dress once. What does that make me? My Mum says it makes me silly. Am I not a Tom girl? No, just silly. I haven’t told my Mum about putting on my sister’s makeup. I hid in the coalbunker for three days. I don’t think my Mum was very happy when she found me. She had lots of friends to keep her company though and lots of Policemen. She must have invited them over for a tea party. A man took my picture and I was famous and in the paper. I didn’t think much of the picture though all you could see were two white eyes peering out of a black face. Coal does that to you says my mum. The Bay City Rollers sang Shang a Lang a Lang to me today. I wish I was a Bay City Roller then I could make up words that no one understands. Grownups make up words that no one understands. My Mum isn’t a Bay City Roller though. I’ve got a Hi Fi. You put records on it and the Bay City Rollers sing to you. Sometimes Donny Osmond sings to me, but I prefer the Bay City Rollers. Slade are singing about “their friend Stan who’s got a funny old man, oh yeah”. Grownups are very peculiar. I’m sticking ninety four pictures of my favourite footballers on my bedroom wall with blue TAC. Alan Clarke plays for Leeds United and likes pasta and enjoys watching The Good Life. Terry Yorath doesn’t like pasta he likes steak and his favourite colour is yellow. I like chocolate spread and count Dracula lollies. Everyone wears long trousers at my school – EXCEPT ME. My mum makes me wear shorts and socks that pull up to my knees. I want a pair of Clarke’s attackers but my mum says I have to wear Start rite. We went to the shops and outside was a boy holding a box where you could put money in. He wasn’t a real boy but he had metal things on his legs and if you put money in his box my mum said children with funny legs would walk again. He was wearing the same Start rite shoes as me. I haven’t got metal things down my legs but maybe I will if I keep wearing these shoes. I don’t want to stand outside a shop with a box though.

I like my mum

I like my mum she lets us watch Dixon of dock green and eat after eight mints and angel delight. I love angel delight. We can have all sorts of flavours. My friend Martin Barker who lives on the council has instant whip. I want instant whip but my mum says only the people on the council have that because they can’t afford angel delight. I don’t care what they can afford Martin Barker’s instant whip tastes loads better than my mum’s angel delight. I wished I lived on the council. I tell my mum and she says “any more of your lip and you’ll be on the council”. I don’t know why she’s talking about my lip all of a sudden but it looks like I could be on the council pretty soon sharing Martin Barker’s instant whip. I live at number seventy four Elm Road. The witch who eats children and turns them into play-doh lives at number eighty two. If you forget to run at a thousand miles per hour past the witch’s house then a great big hand with seventy feet fingers and nails as sharp as my dad’s razors grabs you and pulls you inside. Jenny Stovins forgot to run at a thousand miles per hour and we haven’t seen her for two weeks. Mrs Hagarty says Jenny’s on holiday but I know where she really is. It’s Christmas day. I know it is because Santa’s left half a mince pie and an empty can of Pale Ale. Sometimes he leaves a bottle of Guinness. I think he must be very thirsty going down all those people’s chimneys. We haven’t got a chimney. My mum says she left the back door open. I like my mum. Me and My sister wake up and jump on my mum and dad’s bed. They don’t seem as excited as us. Maybe they’ve forgotten its Christmas day. Me and my sister are put back in our beds and told not to get up until its light outside. My dad says Christmas day doesn’t start at three o’clock in the bloody morning and he doesn’t want to hear another word from us until the birds start singing. I don’t know what’s wrong with grownups. When I’m a grownup I’m going to get up whenever I like on Christmas day and bounce about on my bed. Why would anyone want to stay asleep until the birds sing? Even the birds should be up early on Christmas day. I think they get presents too because I saw a Robin with a new coat and some colouring pencils last year. Everyone gets Christmas. I just don’t think my mum and dad remember like me and my sister.  

I like my mum

I like my mum she lets me watch Dixon of dock green and eat after eight mints. Greg and Mark let me play holey now I’m a captain. I should have been a General by now but I only swung over the bonfire with my pants on and Greg and Mark say to become a General you need to swing over the bonfire with no clothes on. My mum says being captain shows I’ve got dignity. My mum says she never heard of a General without his pants on. I tell Greg and Mark my mum says I’ve got dysentery and they fall about laughing. I like my mum she gives me words to say that make Greg and Mark laugh. I score three holeys and Greg and Mark only score two. They tell me to piss off and take the ball inside. Maybe it’s another test that Captains have to do. I’m left standing on my own in the garden and Mrs Evans comes out and says have I been playing holey. I tell her I got three and Greg and Mark only got two. Mrs Evans pulls me by the ear and knocks on my back door. My mum and Mrs Evans start using long words I don’t understand then Mrs Evans leaves and my mum looks red in the face. I spend the rest of the year in my bedroom. I must never ever play holey again. Mrs Evans doesn’t like footballs being kicked through her outside toilet window when she’s doing big jobs. I’ll ask Mrs Evans if she’s doing number ones next time. My mum says don’t be so facetious and I get to stay in my bedroom for another year. When I return from exile my sister and I turn the staircase into the Matterhorn with all the cushions from the settee diving head first into the abyss. I’m riding round and round the garden on my Raleigh bike my mum picked up from my cousin Ian. My dad says don’t ride round and round because it’s late and there’s dew on the grass. I don’t know what he’s on about so I carry on riding round and round. When I fall off and try to get up and put my bike back in the shed I notice the brake lever has ripped my leg open just by the knee and has made a hole about a hundred feet deep. I can see the bone and the gristle floating about. Some of it has come away and is dangling from the brake lever. It doesn’t bleed but that’s because I’ve been stabbed so hard that it went right through the blood and landed in the land of jelly and macaroni. My dad loves macaroni with a can of Guinness. He’s not so keen on jelly. I’ve got a pile of apples and Greg and Mark say I should throw them into Mrs Atkins garden. They don’t like the Atkins. Maybe I will become a General now. I manage to throw all my apples. Some hit Mr Atkins on the head as he is planting his potatoes and runner beans. Mr and Mrs Atkins came round to see my mum. I spend the afternoon picking up all the apples in Mr and Mrs Atkins garden. When I get to eighty my arms feel as if they are going to fall off. Mr and Mrs Atkins have a daughter called Rachael. She’s a lot older than me and says “come upstairs” I say I can’t because I’ve got to pick up the rest of the orchard that’s landed in the garden. Rachael helps me and we finish in no time at all. “Come upstairs” she says again. So I go upstairs and she says “lie down on my bed” so I lie down on her bed. “Open your mouth” she says. Rachael’s a bit odd. She climbs on top of me and starts to kiss me. Not like my mum does but all slobbery and wet moving her head from side to side. I can’t breathe so I start to make noises through my nose. Rachael just keeps on doing her slobbering. I think I’m going to pass out when Rachael starts to put her tongue in my mouth. This girl's got real problems. After about six hundred hours Rachael climbs off and asks if I liked it. I said I think so but it was a bit wet and there was no need for her to put her tongue in my mouth that’s just disgusting. She says its how all the movie stars in Hollywood do it. She learnt it from watching Bugsy Malone. Rachael says do I want to have a bath with her. I tell her no thank you I had one last Sunday. Rachael says she’s grown titties and I can see them if I get into the bath. I said my mum’s bought some after eight mints and Dixon of dock greens on the telly tonight so I better be off. Rachael pulls up her top and shows me her titties anyway. Rachael says touch them or she won’t let me go home. I prod them with my finger and say can I go now. Rachael says I have to show her my thingy. No wonder Greg and Mark don’t like the Atkins. I search for my thingy and show Rachael. Rachael grabs hold of it and stars pulling it like a yo yo. Mrs Atkins shouts up the stairs and Rachael lets go and opens the door. Rachael says if I tell anyone then she’ll lock me in her bedroom again and show me what else they do in Hollywood. I promise I won’t say a word – EVER.  Greg and Mark say I can’t be a General because Generals never pick up apples after throwing them into the Atkins back garden. Generals don’t get their thingy’s yanked by the Atkins daughter either. I’m going off the idea of being a General.

I like my mum

My mum says I’m not allowed to have a chopper. Greg’s friend Nick is selling a yellow one. My mum says they’re not safe so she buys me a ten geared racer instead. Steven McManus and me are riding no handed down Redhatch Drive. He puts his foot into my front wheel and I see the road coming towards my head. It’s very sunny now. The light is the brightest I’ve ever seen and I feel warm. The light is too far away for me to climb into. I want to get closer, but something holds me back. I know my mum is in Lipton’s buying potato waffles for my sister and me. I want to go into the light, but they’re not ready for me, I’ve got to have my potato waffles. I open my eyes, but I want to shut them again. I like the light. I can have my waffles another day. I open my eyes again, this time I stay with my eyes open. Steven McManus is looking at me and adults are telling me to keep still. The ambulance comes and takes me away. My mum is in Lipton’s buying potato waffles. I like my mum, she lets me watch Dixon of Dock Green and eat After Eight mints, oh and she buys us potato waffles. My mum said I never cried when I had injections, but I did cry once. When the lady stabbed me in the arm seventeen times. She asked my mum why I was crying. My mum got angry and told the lady to give her the injection and she’d show her why I was crying. The lady said the needle must be blunt. I wish she'd worked that one out a little earlier. We are going to get my sister today. I get to choose her. I didn’t know you could buy babies at the shops. When we get there three babies are on the shelves. Not very many. Perhaps it’s been a busy day at the shops. I can have a girl baby, a boy baby or a black baby. Why is that baby black? My mum tells me that black babies are the same as white babies; they’ve just been left in the oven longer. I don’t believe my mum. My dad says the darkies come from another country, like Mr Ali who rumbled in the jungle. I don’t care where they come from. I want the black one to take home. My mum says we can’t as somebody else has already chosen that one. I don’t believe my mum. I start to cry and the other babies all cry with me. The black baby doesn’t cry. The black baby just stares at me and smiles. I like the black baby the best, but we don’t get the black baby. When we go with our new white baby I go up to the black baby in its cot and give it a kiss. The black baby grips my hair tight and pulls me towards it. The black baby whispers in my ear “thank you”. My mum and dad pick me up and we go home with our new baby. I love my new baby and ask my mum if we can keep her. My mum came down and caught me. She wasn’t very happy and started screaming and running around hysterically. I’m not allowed in the kitchen anymore. My dad put locks on the door. I must never climb inside the oven again. I just wanted to stay a little longer, like my mum told me, then I could be as beautiful and special as my new best friend, the black baby.

I like my mum

My dad sits in the kitchen a lot reading a paper or a book or sometimes he listens to the radio. I don’t know why he doesn’t come and sit with me and my mum and watch Dixon of Dock Green. He could have some After Eight mints too. My dad sleeps on the lounge floor on cushions from the sofa. I’m going to make a camp in the garage and have some friends sleep over. My dad can have my bed tonight. He shouldn’t sleep in the lounge. It makes me sad that he can’t get upstairs to his bed, but he walks to work every day. I don’t understand why my dad can’t sleep upstairs. Me and my sister have got a space hopper. It’s orange. I left it by the fire in the lounge. It’s now got a big growth coming out of its head. My mum said if you get too close to the fire this is what happens. I don’t want a growth like our space hopper. Me and my sister don’t sit too close to the fire anymore. Mohammed Ali is having a rumble in the jungle. My dad says Mr Ali used to be called Mr Clay. I asked him what I used to be called. My dad said I used to be called John. Why can’t I be John now? My dad says he and my mum adapted me and now I’m called William. What’s adapted? My dad says it’s not adapted its adopted. I haven’t a clue what he’s going on about. Sometimes grownups just make up words so we don’t know what they’re saying. I like Mr Ali and I ask my mum if I can have some boxing gloves. I fight with my sister. We have three two minute rounds. No punching in the face or below the belt my mum says. I hit my sister in the willy. My mum says no punching below the belt. But my sister isn’t wearing a belt so I hit her in the willy again. My mum sends me to my room. Next time my sister should wear a belt. The Man with The Golden Gun is on TV. My mum says I can only watch half of it because it’s a school night. I tell her ok, but when she tells me to go to bed I don’t want to. My mum turns the TV off and I can’t stop crying. I won’t go to bed and walk round and round the landing. If Roger Moore knew he’d come and rescue me and we’d drive off in a car that could go under water and fire rockets at the baddies or at least my mum. I want to go to poo, but for some reason I can’t. Well I can it’s just that I hold onto it too long and then it’s too late and it comes out, when I’m least expecting it, in my pants. I do this for two years. Sometimes I bury my pants. I get into trouble with my mum when I come home and she asks where my pants are. When I tell her I buried them she doesn’t look too impressed. I have to go to hospital every week and a nurse sticks a tube up my bottom and pumps liquid into me. I don’t hold onto my  poo then. It comes out so quickly sometimes the nurse gets covered. I don’t feel sorry for her. What does she expect if she sticks a tube up my bum? My mum isn’t very pleased that I keep soiling myself. She holds my head by pulling my hair back and pushes my pants into my face. She rubs all my poo into my face until I’m covered in my own mess. My mum doesn’t say a word and leaves the room. I can’t believe what my mum just did. I stand perfectly still in total shock, covered in my own poo, except it’s no longer poo, now it’s on my face, in my mouth, up my nose, stuck to my hair, now its soiled me it’s called shit. I still like my mum because she lets me watch Dixon of Dock Green and eat After Eight mints. I just don’t like her quite as much as I did before she rubbed my face in it.

I like my mum

Father Christmas came to our house. I know he did because he ate a mince pie and a bottle of Pale Ale. Sometimes he has a bottle of Guinness. I think it just depends what he feels like. Me and David Miller are throwing George Chestnuts’ plimsolls into the paddock. Georgie Porgie told Mr Shanks. I’m getting smacked on the backs of my legs. I don’t like Mr Shanks. Goody Putnam is punching me in the stomach. He’s punching me in the stomach for the whole of break time. I don’t punch Goody Putnam because I hate fighting, but you can only take so much. I took fifteen minutes of punches just before the bell went then I punched Goody Putnam in the eye. It went red and Goody Putnam never punched me again. I’m going to Aunty Dories and I have to use the Zebra crossing. My mum always knows if I don’t use the zebra crossing. I don’t know how she knows but she does. I like my mum; she has magic powers that tell her if I’ve used the zebra crossing. The blind lady who comes into school every Wednesday to teach us reading has magic powers like my mum. We all try and pull faces at her because we know she can’t see, but she always knows when we do. Now that’s real magic. I eat a Mars bar and make it last for an hour. I like Count Dracula lollies; they make your tongue go black. My mum gives me two pence every day and I buy some crisps from the tuck shop during break time. My friend Philip is in charge of selling crisps at break time. Sometimes I have Smokey Bacon flavour but my favourite is Beef and Onion. Philip hasn’t got any Beef and Onion this morning so I have Prawn Cocktail instead. My mum gives me a can of New Potatoes and a tin of corned beef. I take them to school and in assembly we all go up to the front and place them with a pile of other tins which have some wheat and barley and pretend bread near them. Mr Shanks says we must take our tins and cans to some old people who live on the council. I want to take the wheat and barley and pretend bread, but Mr Shanks says I’m not taking things seriously and I get two more smacks on the back of my legs. If I was old and lived on the council I’d want some wheat and barley and pretend bread. I hate New Potatoes and corned beef. I’m going to the London Palladium tonight with my friend Paul Cockle. Paul lives on the council, but his dad works with my dad. My dad’s boss buys us a coach and makes us all sandwiches and a drink and then drives us to the London Palladium. We are going to see a pantomime. I don’t know what a pantomime is, but it’s good to be on a coach with my friend Paul Cockle, even if he does live on the council.

I like my mum; she bought a green sofa so me and my sister can hide behind it when Dr Who comes on the telly. It’s on now. I wish I could see what’s happening but I can’t because I’m hiding behind the sofa. I know Dr Who’s in trouble because I can hear someone telling him they want to exterminate him. I don’t know what exterminate means. My aunty makes great toffee apples. She does it in her kitchen. Her toilet is outside. I don’t like going to toilet outside. The bands playing the theme tune to Z-cars and I’m dancing with some old man who they call ‘Uncle Jack’. I’m wearing a t-shirt with ‘I love Donny’ on it. I know I like him, but I’m not sure I love him. I like my mum; she says we can have Kentucky Fried Chicken and chips. I have to get them and remember to ask for an extra portion of chips. I want to say two bags but my mum says I have to say portion. Patricia Smart just told me I can look down her vest if I give her a penny. I like my mum, she gave me a penny. I don’t think she knew what I wanted it for though.
VE92SQ4Z4Q3H

I like my mum she lets me stay up and watch Dixon of Dock Green and eat After Eight mints and then Mr Dixon says “goodnight all”. My mum and dad came and got me from my other mum. My other mum is screaming her head off and has to hand me over. I look back out of the window as my mum and dad drive away in my new Hillman car. My other mum is crying so much that she can’t see me smiling and telling her that it will be alright. I like my mum, she lets me stay up and watch Dixon of Dock Green and eat After Eight mints. It’s a full moon tonight, my dad’s gonna have one of his turns, that’s what my mum says. I’m in the Pigstoe club. Gregg and Mark said I could because I fell into the stinging nettles at the bottom of the garden. If I swing over the bonfire with no clothes on Gregg and Mark say I can become a General. On Saturday we’re going to have a really big bonfire because Mark is going to chop up his bedroom door. He hasn’t told his mum though. My next door neighbour wanted me to touch his thingy. I showed him and then he showed me. We touched each other’s thingies. His went up. I don’t think I’ll do that again.

I like my mum - Prologue

They want to take us to the shops where we have to wait to be chosen like my sister and my best friend the black baby. Me and my sister aren’t going back so we tell them we need to get our teddies and go upstairs. I hold my sister so tight and she looks into my eyes. We kiss each other and climb the bunk beds where we used to wake at three O’clock on Christmas morning with more excitement than the world. I wrap my snake belt around my sister’s neck and loop my pyjama cord around mine. They’ll understand that we didn’t want to go back and let us stay a little longer. Me and my sister smile and hold hands.

 I liked my mum she let me stay up and watch Dixon of Dock Green and eat after eight mints.